


ICARUS

by pluvieux



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-08-28
Packaged: 2019-07-03 19:14:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15825216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pluvieux/pseuds/pluvieux
Summary: FAKE YOU OUTi ached for the clean slate and now it is in my hands, this is one of my worst works (i declare it officially) but i had a few nothings to say. i know you'll read this and i think you should kill yourself. die, seriously.





	ICARUS

**Author's Note:**

> (she hopes i’m cursed forever  
> to sleep on a twin-sized mattress  
> in somebody’s attic or basement my whole life  
> , Never graduating up in size to add another  
> and my nightmares will have nightmares every night  
> Oh, every night, every night)

we feel what is unsaid like a second person that we have carried along with us. 

to be plunged into the dark waters and have plugged my menses with pages from the holy book,  
a series of newly shared spaces, however cat-like you lounge 

;;

it floated in our throats like rising mud. shift of the shoulders and i'm already forming an excuse, parce que je devais toujours en avoir une prête quand il s’agit de toi. it's not that bad sometimes. you're not that bad. how can i carry on with this weight of the ruin in my worry and the aftermath stuck inside your head. yes, today was fantastic, because i only talked to you during my work breaks, there was no chance for it to go wrong. yes, today was fantastic, but i know tomorrow has a possibility of being one where all the sirens are going off all around us, yet stuck near the glass windows, stuck with the "it'll get better"s and the heavy, uncomfortable, uncomfortable uncomfortable uncomfortable strain, the toll it took on us. i hate you. i hate you, i hate you, i would kill myself to finally get away from you. 

you can’t really say you “love” someone if you only love them when you want to. love isn’t something you can schedule. love doesn’t wait until you’re on break. you can’t love someone only when it’s convenient for you. real unconditional love is going through the good & the bad, me + you vs not me vs you, your harsh tone rang inside my ears long after,

i realised just how you made my skin against the air feel foreign. like too much of everything. like sitting in the shower, like can't eat, can't sleep, 

can't touch. can't trust can't talk can't communicate in a language that is mine,

funeral day,  
where i wake up and the carcass of the thing i was is left for dead on the floor and it is an awakening, a decision made.  
numb like a television caught on static.

and with my rebirth, the motivation, the dedication, it all just sank away through my fingers and i let it. that night instead of scanning through our text messages looking for flaws and how can i possibly deserve the stress and heartache _this time_  
i went to sleep. i let myself sink into my bed with no responsibilities and no obligations. after this morning my hair smells like a new brand of conditioner, and it was cut for you but it's light, i am whole and your hands wouldn't even recognise it. have never run their course over that specific pride.

a small seashell amount of pain.  
a shard of glass hidden in my bedsheets and to learn to love myself as wide as beaches instead of relying on someone else, to do as i wish without being gotten onto, to think only twice before speaking. 

irreparable problems that plagued me

'

silent, astonished, undone. o, green world,  
wishing i had never spoken,  
the desperate reach for some sleep tonight, away from you

don't you dare say i.

-

the scent will only add ambience to the haunting  
complement the oak resting over your grave  
the claw-footed bathtub you tragically die in  
may this severing of ties bring a gruesome death  
god i sure hope it does ??

and this is the grand phenomenon of my body  
and the clinging to the last bits of my soul to fulfill this new future i behold  
all my love and its ashes  
that i have given to you, and vice versa

this is the aftermath of exhaustion  
you  
can  
agree.

what was in me that was beautiful anymore,  
when i had given up on you

had always been yours,  
stars that have become your wreckage,  
ships lost to you

;;;

the lions living in the wiry, broke down frames of my friends' bodies, ,,

i know that i have died before,

(SUCH A SHAME,)

fall to your knees  
through the floor into some silence that speaks like you

grasped like you  
a tight grip,  
get a load of this monster  
will everybody give him a little less space?

time is

slowly

tracing his face

++++++++++++

dry me out until my pain is mine again once more once more  
leave me with nothing but adore in my arsenals  
bleed me dry of every "i love you" ever shared, bleed me dry of this carcass, kil lme, kill me, kill me,  
bleed me,

i  
finally  
hate,

\--------------------------------

i sure did know how to love until my heart fell out of my body  
and when the sun came through my windowsill  
my revelation my exhaustion my maturity my irresponsibility 

^&%

i'm semi-automatic  
my prayers schizophrenic

i have never heard my own voice before. i have never spoken before.  
nothing makes any sense to me so i just keep walking until it's 9pm and my phone's on 4%  
i'm sweaty, still in jaren's shirt and alone so goddamn alone and i _love it_  
i swear i saw the devil that night.

won't you let me go?

insignificant,  
please tell them  
you'll have no place for me  
i will set my soul on fire  
what have i become?  
oh, tell them

it's so dark outside and i see everything out of my peripherals  
i do not fear anymore  
no  
i do not.

something cuts into my right foot and when i check, there's blood staining my shoes. i needed new ones anyways. this is the risk i took coming out into the middle of the forest just to do some ritual that will take me only an hour to do. i ignore it and keep walking, cold wind suddenly whips past me and i shiver, wishing for something more than the shorts and the inuyasha shirt i left the house in. 

(there is no physical presence, yet i still look up to speak.)

and the sound in my heartbeat was so deafening. it was as if everything went quiet for an entirety of a moment. i felt everything. anything. it rushed over me, coiled inside me, washed over every inch of my being. then it was loud, the sound of the wind of the trees, animals moving around the night, something, _something,_ and me, my breathing my shifting my existing 

my legs shake when i stand. they keep shaking. i have to hold onto trees and i puke up the quesadillas jaren's mum made and i think about how when i get home i could eat ramen but not frozen pizza and that ranch is nowhere in my future and that's weirdly okay. how strange is it to fall out of love so spontaneously. this shift in my existence gave me whiplash, holy fuck. 

and there's heat from the edge of the forest, patches of red glowing underneath the ashes and i am urged gently to keep walking. i leave the candles. i leave the journal. i leave the phone, the incense, the bag, myself, everything 

the burned skeletons of buildings, perhaps this was a church once. perhaps this was a home. 

_l'évêque: vous ne pouvez pas entrer dans la maison de dieu!_

_Blue Fangs: Dieu n'est pas là. Ceci est une boîte vide._

(leave me alone)  


a new reprise for the boy who couldn't hold his breath underwater

////

and i filled in margins of sketchbooks, spilled everything into my passions just to give it to you  
found soft, found gentle like you were the weight i needed to drop

but the sorrow still seeps into the corners like cockroaches  
gods. how could i wake up so empty of it. 

_please_  
the art of asking,  
how inappropriate  
to be made to respond in a form, to acknowledge  
just forgive me this mortal coil

i got a lump in my throat  
cos you gone and sank the worlds wolf

**Author's Note:**

> I WANNA CONTRIBUTE TO THE CHAOS  
> I DON'T WANNA WATCH AND THEN COMPLAIN  
> BECAUSE I AM THROUGH FINDING BLAME  
> THAT IS THE DECISION THAT I HAVE MADE


End file.
